Lenny rocked back on the throne, which screeched with every strain. Marlene shot him a death glare from the adjacent cave. He grinned widely in return. Haha, mission accomplished. Stupid bitch wants to tell me to wait my turn at the slop machine all rude and shit? Man, fuck her. I'm annoyin her all day. Hahaha. "OyEEEEK!" The wail of an ass in labor, at Lenny's behest. Hahahaha! Phonic megalomania.
"Ey Len! Cut that shit out before I take away your chair, and make you sit on my foot!" Drillinator Ant barked from the back of the room. Over the chaos of phones, phonies, indecorous chatter, and the crown jewel of Lenny's chair, Ant was his own loudspeaker. He flexed, telling Art VanDeLye, "I'm a bull."
"Yeah, if you're a bull I'm a matador." Art's bizarre, nasal intonation constantly perplexed listeners as to whether or not he was being sarcastic.
"Hah! I'll fucking gut you." Subtle, as usual.
The wraith of Shehera snuck by to slip the mail under Dan's magic portal. Lenny grimaced. Stupid bitch! She think she can just come to my crib and breathe all my green without fuckin me or nothin? What the fuck she think, I'm just nice? She shoulda known I wanted her naked by the third roach. Bitches. Fuckin bitches. That's the last time I let a hoe smoke $80 without seein some clam first.
"Hi Lenny." Oh no, Ariana. He dreaded her presence. A WidgetWorld mannequin with a narcotic smile. Suspended animation was his only defense, but she persisted. "How are you today?" Still nothing. He was hoping that she'd just walk away.
Bitch can't take a hint, huh. How annoying can she be? "Hi Ari," he replied in somber obligation.
"What are you doing tonight?" He stared blankly. "Wanna put me out to pasture?" Dumbstruck, he prayed that she'd just go away.
"Nah...I'm good."
A dainty giggle. "OK. We'll try for next week." She winked and shuffled away. THANK GOD! Lenny sighed in relief.
"Hey man, what's wrong with you?" Benny, bemused as to why Len shut Ariana down every time, goaded: "That target is smokin! Sure she's kinda creepy, but who cares, man? Shellfish is shellfish! Clam in a barrel, just shoot!"
Len turned to him in horror. "Bitch is crazy."
"Aw man, you're all talk," Benny chided. "Always talkin bout 'Bitches this, bitches that.' You won't even take it when it's right in front of you!"
"Yeah, stop frontin," Art chimed in. "You too, Benny. You couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a sack of diamonds! The two of you are just a few fags short of a bundle."
"Art, suck my sword!" Len retorted. Turning to Benny, "I'm tellin you, bitch is cray-zy! I'm not touchin that." He became vulcan. "Now all of you shut the fuck up and get back to work! Jeesus!" He swung to his screen, fuming, trying to forget that awful night.
A month ago, Ari ambushed Len in an empty ditch. She demanded a night on the town. He gladly accepted, thinking this the fruition of their periodic flirting. Haha, Lenny's getting laid to-night! At 7 sharp, doused in Hatchet Pimp Juice, he raced to the predetermined secret locale. They had picked a trough so far uptown that no one would find them. Dawgs wanna be in everyone's shit? Fuck that. Plus the consequences of Ant's finding them together terrified them both.
When he finally arrived at 8 Ariana was impaled on a barstool, swaying in a nonexistent breeze. Her smile was even more inane than usual. Still, she looked svelte in contrast to the bawdy pub crowd. "Hi Len," she drawled. "How are you?"
"Mmm, you look fine," he unctuated. "What you doin hangin out with all these bums?" Cackle guffaw, cackle guffaw.
"Oh Len, sit down. Have yaaself a maahtiini." Her native accent, usually sublimated, was congealing. He ordered a Long Island Iced Tea and left the tab spread eagle.
"You been waiting long?" Ariana left the mill at 5:30.
"Nnnah, it's ok. I got some grub and did some shaahping. There's a big sale at WidgetWorld right now. Wanna see what scrap metal got me?"
"Yeah! Show me!" An aesthetic vulture himself, trick-or-treats - even vicarious ones - were like Christmas to him.
She pulled out what appeared to be a black bathing suit destroyed by a paper shredder. Or maybe something worn by a victim in "Jaws." The clots of red lace could indicate that.
"How do you like it? It's my new teddy." Her erotic stare gave him goosebumps, but not in a way that engorged. People were gumming and giggling.
"Ooo, I bet you look good in that!" Lenny replied with extra sass. He grabbed the mess and drowned it in her bottomless handbag. He ordered another round.
After two more inoculating glasses, Ariana bitching endlessly about the womenfolk, and a few derisive stares, Lenny couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. "Man, I hate this part of town! Village idiots!"
"Yeah, they were a little crude."
"Wanna go back to my space?" Come on baby, come on...
"Oh sure! Afterhours! How sweet of ya." Score!
It was midnight by the time they got there. "Welcome to my castle!" Lenny flipped on the 32" flatscreen, panicked and flipped it off. He prayed that Ari missed the 3 seconds of porn. It was a tiny one hole - 400 square feet at most - but in the uuber hot Drama District, at 2,500 droppings a month before sludge and hot fire, it was a bargain.
"Oh nice," Ari said flatly. "How do you breathe in a place this small? Where's the dump?" Lenny was emasculated.
Emerging from the sewer, Ariana hit a smokescreen. "Oh my gaawd, the apaahtment's on fiyah!" Lenny swam to her from the couch.
"EEE!" he screeched like a eunuch. "What the.."
"Don't you like my new teddy?" She smiled and wobbled. Lenny was immobilized. Her physique was nauseating. Normally he devoured all shapes and sizes, but something about about Ariana repulsed him.
A lace clot singed when she whacked his blunt, though she was oblivious. He found fire and relit. "Hey, put that shit out! I'm allergic!" Upon which she started whooping dramatically.
The ember sizzled on the stone. "What, you don't smoke?" he asked.
"Nah, I'm a pill popper," she replied.
"Um...ok. Well I aint got no pills, but..." She was already deep throating his JD. "Ok."
Lenny sprinted to the bathroom and locked himself in. He reignited and puffed furiously. Oh my god, oh my god, what do I do? Gotta get this crazy bitch out of here. He never stopped to consider the absurd fact that he - Leonard Richard James, horndog, Cassanova of the gullible - was turning away the only non-prostitute who had ever seduced him. FUCK! Oh my god, what do I do, it's almost 1AM...
He got an idea.
"Yeah mom. OK MOM, if you absolutely need to stop by," he yelled. He had a story: His parents had caught a sideshow and insited on stopping by on the way home. Perfect. He danced out the door, phone to mouth, easy on his heels. "Yes MOM, I'M HOME ALONE, SO IT'S OK TO COME WHAT THE FUCK?!" He dropped the phone. Ari was spread eagle on his leather sofa, naked.
"Get a load of me!" Lenny whimpered. He wished he could delete himself. His heart pumped louder.
"Oh my god." She drained him further:
"I know you've wanted this for months. All that in-office flirting really made me horny. I made a bet with my girls that I could wait until our third date, and I'm about to lose. Do whatever you want to me. I'm yours."
"I...uh..." Remembering the story, he exclaimed, "My parents are coming over. Right now. You heard me on the phone, didn't you?"
"So be a minuteman! I hate protecting myself, and I'm sure you do too, but I'm running popout blockers, so we're good. I'd love to meet your parents. Do they look like you? "
Oh my god, this is going to be harder than I thought. "I'm sorry, you gotta go. My parents will be here any second; they're just down the street." He sliced open his wallet, shaking. "Here, I'll give you money to wherever you want to go. And I've got bugs."
"Stop playing hard to get -"
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" he cried, abject desperation finally vocalized.
Ariana stood up. Her lids narrowed. "Well well. Somebody's got a temper, don't they?"
After she dressed and departed, Lenny spent a good half hour sterilizing his cow carcass with every cleaner under the sink.
©M.F.Lemoine
No comments:
Post a Comment